A beautiful mind

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I know you dono me

It's slowing me down. Like a plague, it attacked and infiltrated/corrupted my mind, then my body. I tried to shake it off but my mind was flooded..
Everything is in slow motion now.. to be continued..

Had my first ever program today, teaching the NCC cadets orienteering. It brought back memories when I was an NCO back in NPCC during secondary school days. There were fond and unpleasant memories. But because the unpleasant ones happened towards the period where we were supposed to step down, the incident magnified 100times and overshadowed the fond memories accumulated over the 4 years. I'd consider myself to be the highest achiever in NPCC back in my unit at that time yet it wasnt pleasant enough. I try not to think about unpleasant things.. And things associated with them.

Many thanks to darran for helping me along this afternoon, guiding me and constantly checking if I'm ok. It was hard on my side, cos the people I was handling, were totally different from the hokkien soldiers I used to handle. I'd say far more fragile, delicate and I was afraid to crush them so I chose to play safe.

I knew I'd be a good instructor ever since NPCC. I even considered teaching cos I loved it so much. But I knew it could've be better even thou it was my first orienteering program but it wasnt. Laugh at me if you want. Despise me. I'm ready to take them all because I know I'll only get better.

It's always interesting to interact with people. Regardless how similar/different they are to you. You see the difference and you learn to interact. You don judge or criticise how good/bad they are just because they're different to you. It's subjective. End of the day, we're all different from one another.

Continue.. I was riding on the bike this morning at 90km/hr. I suddenly slowed down.
My mind went blank.

"Why am I rushing?"
"Why are we always rushing?"
"Where do we rush to in the end?"

I felt accountable to myself and started to think why does me and myself always have different ideas. Why cant we act as one. I then figured that 'me and myself' kind of people actually goes no where in life cos they're constantly moving back and forth. I feel responsible for emotions of people around me. I felt terrified.. of nothing. Not that I'm not terrified. I'm actually freaking out. Things dont make sense anymore. Thoughts jumbled together. There are other questions. I couldnt think about thinking. I lost myself in a whirlpool of thoughts.

I checked my watch, gripped the handlebar tightly before opening the throttle. The bike picked up speed. I refused to think anymore for I was late..for SOMETHING I'm unsure of.